For many years I was a senior manager in a large organization in the voluntary sector. This organization did a tremendous amount of good within the community and its ripples were felt all over the country. It had one major failing, however, that is not unlike many other organizations. Neither the organization nor its managers or supervisors knew how to deal with difficult people.

Now, I am not talking about people who are merely obstructionist or opposed to change. I am talking about the individuals who refuse to change. Even to admit that change has happened. You could fire them, but these people have survived better managers than you. Besides, that really isn't your style.

No, you need another way to deal with these people. If they were your family, you would have to accept them just as they are, but they are not. So how do you deal with difficult people who aren't your family members? Here are 10 new things to try.

1. Love, not fear
I believe that there are only two emotions: love and fear. All other emotions are derivatives of these two basic emotions. A truly difficult person fears no one. They have been yelled at, threatened, suspended, and ostracized. They don't respond to these types of actions. Why not try love instead? Love means small acts of kindness without any expectation of being rewarded. Love means a smile in the morning and a good bye at night. Love means asking how are you and actually waiting to hear the answer. Sometimes even the most difficult person will open up to love. Hey, what have you got to lose?

2. Use their eyes
Instead of looking at the person and seeing their mean and surly demeanour, take a moment to put yourself in their shoes. Practise using their eyes and imagine that you are looking out into the world. What do you see when you look through their eyes? Sometimes we do not see how damaged the person really is and how the world treats them. It may just give an insight as to how we can better deal with the situation. If it doesn't give an answer as to what to do next, it may at least give us some knowledge about their problem and help us understand just a little better what motivates our difficult colleague.

3. Serenity Prayer
Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr, of the Union Theological Seminary in New York City, composed the Serenity Prayer in the 1930s. The shorter version is "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." The recovery community has long used the Serenity Prayer but it can also be used by all of us as a simple time-out. If you are not comfortable with the word God, then just ask for the serenity to not let this person screw up your day. Use it as a break and then go out for a little walk. Don't let frustration build up. Breathe in and let it out.

4. Listening
Most people like to listen to the sound of their own voice. When it comes to other people, they have a transmitter but no receiver. Sorry, guys, but men in particular have a problem with this. There are courses you can take on active listening but sometimes if you are really quiet and listen the answer will come to you. It doesn't have to be complete silence, nor does it have to be deep meditation. But I believe that the answers are inside of us. We just need time and space for them to appear.

5. Ask questions
Almost all men and lots of women don't ask questions and yet assume that they know the answer. Duh! Even if you're afraid, try asking questions directly of your difficult person. What's the worst that can happen? They're already intolerable. There is an old Chinese proverb that says, "He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask questions is a fool forever." Which would you prefer?

6. Stop trying to figure out why
So you've tried listening and asking questions and that didn't work. Why not stop trying to figure this out and simply take some action? A child sees a gate and tries to go over, under, around or through. They don't sit and ponder why is the gate there or who put it there or what factors led to the creation of this gate. They move. I believe that at some point, doing anything is better than sitting still. There was a massive study by two doctorate students into what interventions worked in dealing with stress in the workplace. Their results: almost every single intervention tested proved to be beneficial in some way. So what are you waiting for?

7. Seek inside help
Seek help inside your workplace or organization. Why do we sit and stew and talk to all our friends and our counsellor and our coach instead of talking to someone who actually may be able to help? Go to your boss, or his boss, then her boss. Been there before? Go again. You are now the one with the problem. Tell them that you need help. They already know that you need help and they will be waiting for your call.

8. Seek outside help
Get counselling, get a coach, buy a book, take a course, surf the Web. There are free and paid programs happening every night of the week in your community and on the Internet. Don't let yourself get any sicker because your difficult person is acting up again. I believe that unless we're open to new teachings and new learning, we are not growing. If we are not growing then we must be decaying. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Take two platitudes and call someone in the morning.

9. Stop resisting and accept
Your difficult person may never change but you can. Accept the person and situation as exactly what it is. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop resisting. What we resist persists. Find a practice that allows you to be serene amidst the chaos. It can be walking or meditating or praying or acupuncture. Whatever works for you to help you stay sane. Find the serenity within the storm. Accept the situation and I guarantee that you will feel better.

10. The Gambler
If you can't or won't accept the situation, then remember Kenny Rogers' advice: "Know when to walk away." Sometimes it just isn't worth it. The job, the money, the prestige, whatever you are receiving from your employment just isn't worth the aggravation that you are going through. If you have practised all of the first nine ways and are still bothered by this behaviour to the point where you are ill—mentally, emotionally or spiritually—take a long, long look at where you are. If it is unlikely to change, then make a plan to transfer or leave at the end of the year and walk away.

Contributed by: Mike Martin
Mike Martin is an Ottawa writer and consultant with more than 25 years' experience in labour relations. He can be reached at mike54martin@sympatico.ca.