If there's one thing that breaks the monotony of screening 400 resumes in a day, it's the weird things people consider to be relevant to their future employment with your company, or the careless, yet ironic errors they make while trying to impress you with their accomplishments. This list is a selection of some real quotes from real resumes collected by HR departments with the foresight to actually write them all down. Of course, what this list cannot convey are the resumes you receive that are handwritten on crinkly scraps of paper, the ones that reek of cigarette smoke or other unattractive odours, those that are nicely typed except for the fact that they have updated their address, phone number and personal interests by crossing out what was there and writing the new information in pen.

Spelling counts:
"I am very detail-oreinted."
"I worked as a Corporate Lesion."
"Served as assistant sore manager."
"I am a rabid typist."

A deeper meaning?
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
"Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis."
"I can play well with others."

Wow! What educational qualifications you have
"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
"I have a bachelorette degree in computers."
"Graduated in the top 66% of my class."
"Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts."
"Education: College, August 1880 - May 1984."

Sometimes you shouldn't brag
"Special skills: Thyping."
"Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes."
"Special skills: I've got a Ph.D. in human feelings."
"Special skills: I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute."

You're scaring me now
"My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had."
"My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

And this is relevant how?
"Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years."
"I love dancing and throwing parties."
"Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws."

WHY did you leave your last job?
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job."
"Previous experience: Self-employed--a fiasco."
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
"Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
"Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state."

You do have a way with words
"My experience in horticulture is well-rooted."
"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable."
"Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year."
"Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law."

Wow! With a work history like this...
"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."
"Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math."

Your cover letter speaks volumes
"Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume."
"It's best for employers that I not work with people."
"I am sicking and entry-level position."
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

You want HOW much money?
"I need just enough money to have pizza every night."
"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
"I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan."

Contributed by: Wendy Miyagawa RPR, CMP, RAS